Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in the strawberry patch.

Why do elephants hide in the strawberry patch?

So they can jump out and stomp people.

Why do elephants stomp people?

Cos they like the squishy feeling between their toes!

What is big and grey and has 16 wheels?

An elephant on roller skates/blades (depending on your era)...

What's blue and has big ears?

That's either a sad elephant or an elephant holding it's breath or a really cold elephant.

Like to cover all your bases, hey?

Is an elephant at the North Pole.

What's grey and lights up?

An elephant with a cigarette or a cigar. Whatever it prefers.

An electric elephant!

A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said, "You know you really need help"
"Yes I do", said the elephant, "get this kid off my foot!"

What happened to the elephant who ran away with the circus?

I liked my answers better... >.>

Well post your own jokes then!

Numee wrote
Well post your own jokes then!


lol very quick and funny

shaggy, craig david, and britney spears are all in a pub and someone farts!

Shaggy says "It wasnt me"

Craig david says" Im walking awaaay'

Britney spears says"Ooops, i did it again"

sam

Anyone else? Cos I got over 200 nellyfant jokes waiting.... and you already had the best ones!

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?

lol - I like sams sorry Nooms

Why sorry? I LOVED Sam's!!!
If you not like the nellyfant jokes... you know what you have to do!

But, anything's better than an elephant joke.

What's black and white and red all over? A nun in a blender, apparently.

And a sunburnt zebra or penguin...

What goes flap, flap, ouch, flap, flap, ouch?

If you were in a room with a dumb blonde, Santa Claus, and a caring, intelligent Australian man and you dropped a twenty pound note, who would pick it up??

The dumb Blonde, the other two don't actually exist.

Vicki

There was a family of potatoes, mum, dad and 3 lovely daughters, one day daughter no 1 said to mum and dad "i want to get married' " dad says who do you want to marry" "KING EDWARD replies the daughter, ok says dad.

sometime later daughter no2 asks the same question"who do you want marry says dad"JJERSEY ROYAL" replies the daughter,ok says dad.

A few years later, daughter no 3 asks the same question "who do you want to marry' asks dad
EDDIE MAGUIRE replies the daughter."No" says dad" he is a common- tator
sam

That was terrible... just terrible....



Well done!

Golden oldy....What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence...



Time for a new 1.

Dave Grey heads back to England for Christmas holidays...chrissy diner is on and his mum serves out the ham..says to the oldest brother...which footy team do you support son.."east ham"he says, and he recieves the left side of the pork,the second eldest son..."west ham "mum..he recieves the right side...Dave,she says..which team do you support...arsonal mum n I'm not hungry....

thats a good one trickster

sam

Heres a very old one

Two oranges rolling down the road, when one stopped, why have you stopped asked 1 orange to the other,
IVE RUN OUT OF JUICE WAS THE REPLY

HE HE THEIR GETTING WORSE
SAM

LOL I think this thread is going to be like the song game on another forum.
sam

Knock, knock Who's there?
Kent
Kent who?
Kent you tell by my voice?


Knock, knock
Who's there?
Jess
Jess who?
Jess me and my shadow

I'd tell you the joke about the biscuit..but...it's too crumby..
I could tell you the one about the wall, but you'd never get over it.

What noise annoys an oyster.Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisey noise annoys an oyster most.

A man walks into a halloween party, with a woman draped over his shoulders. One of the guests walks up to him and asks, "What have you come as?" He replies, "Oh, I'm a turtle." The guest glances at the woman draped over his shoulders and asks, "So who's the lady?". He replies, "That's michelle."

This joke should be longer, and funnier, but I've forgotten most of it.

A piece of string walks into a bar,...Ouch it was an iron bar, and says can i have a pint of larger please, the bartender says are you a piece of string,yes replies the string, well we dont serve string replies the barman.
Later at home drinking by himself, his friend comes round, seeing how sad his friend was, he asks whats wrong, the string told him the story.
OK he says we will get all dressed up, and go back to the bar and get that drink, so they fluff there hair out, tie their body in their best knot, and head out to the bar.
The go up to the bar and order two pints, are you a piece of string asks the barman!
A-FRAID KNOT--- replies the string
Sam

oh dear - a groaners thread!

I should not, but I will...

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre". So the bartender gave her one.

A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Where's the bartender?"

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "A Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer......and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"

Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."

Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"

A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a lady and a dog. The man asks, "Does your dog bite?". The lady answers, "Never!" The man reaches out to pet the dog and the dog bites him. The man says, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" The woman replies, "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."

A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A cowboy walks into a bar. Upon leaving, he realizes that someone has painted his horse. The cowboy yells, "Which one of you painted my horse?" A seven foot tall hulk of a man says, menacingly, "I did." The cowboy realizes he is in trouble and replies, "Why, thank you - the first coat's dry!"

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

A giraffe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?" (This joke never gets old)

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"


Mick

A guy walked into a bar...
...he should have been looking where he was going.

Whats black and white and red all over?


A NEWSPAPER

sam

An Englishman, Australian and an Irishman are all caught by the red indians, they are all tied to a totem poll, and the cheif says to them"you all have one wish before we skin you alive and turn you into a canooe"

The English man says "can i have a fag please" the indians give him a fag, when he has smoked it they skin him alive and use his skin to make the canooe.

The Australian says can i have a can of triple x, when he has drunk it they skin him alive and use his skin to make a canoor.

The Irish man says can i have a fork, the Indians look puzzeld, but hand him a fork.The irishman sets about stabbing himself all over saying your not making a canooe outa me!
Sam

I know a jokoe about and english man an irish man and an australian that were caught by red indians........


but its unsuitable for this forum

A big, brown bear walks into a bar and orders a beer. Barman says "We don't serve big, brown bears beer in this bar. " The big, brown bear starts to get mad, and growls at the barman, and demands a beer. Barman says "We don't serve bad tempered, big, brown bears beer in this bar."
The big, brown bear gets really mad, and takes a big bite of the bar and yells for a beer. Barman says "We don't serve bad tempered, drug taking, big, brown bears beer in this bar."
The big, brown bear stops growling and says "Whaddya mean you don't serve bad tempered, drug taking, big, brown bears beer in this bar?! I don't take drugs!"
"Oh yeah?" says the barman "What about that bar-bit-u-ate?"

Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess stops them and says "sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

Two boll weevils grew up in S Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much--and naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

2 Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage, you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist, and refused to take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian family and is named "Ahmal" The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named "Juan". Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. He replies, "They're twins for Pete sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've see Ahmal!!"

A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them and begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the florist then hired Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

And finally, ...there was a man who sent 10 puns to some friends in hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun in ten did

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "Oi! How do you start this thing?"

What do you call a dear with no eyes.....

No eyedear

What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?

Still no eyedear

sam

Doesn't matter cos it wouldn't come anyway....

What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh. Ahahaha. I got a million of 'em.

I went to the doctors yesterday, Poking my leg i said doctor it hurts here, poking my arm ,i said it hurts here, then poking my head , i said it hurts here too.
The doctor thought long and hard, then said i know whats the matter with you!
You have broken your finger Victoria

hehe, I like that! Clever

There was 3 children, one called manners, one called shut up, and one called trouble, they decided to play hide and seek.Manners hid up a tree, Shut up hid behind a police car, and the policeman got out of the car, and said, to shut up whats your name, he said shut up,and the policeman said wheres your manners, and he says up that tree, the policeman says your looking for trouble,and shut up says no, troubles looking for me.
sam

The police had arrested two men one was drinking battery acid,and the other was eating fireworks,they charged one and let the other one off!!!!!
Sam

Why dont the chinese have telephones?

cos theres to many wings and to many wongs, they might wing the wong number.
sam

Two cows standing in a paddock. One cow says "Mooooooooo!"
Other cow says "Darn. I was just about to say that!"