So you want to date my daughter?
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect ma good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do
this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is
okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her Adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from
memory. I'd be embarrassed too- there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate--ink washes off-and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. "Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

1. What is your name, age, social security number, IQ and boy scout rank?

2. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____ If "No", explain:

3. Do you own or have access to a van? ____

4. A truck with oversize tires? ____

5. waterbed? ____

6. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____

7. Do you have a tattoo? ____ *If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.*

8. In fifty words or less, what does LATE mean to you?

9. In fifty words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?

10. In fifty words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

11. In fifty words or less, what does REAL PAIN mean to you?

12. Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________

13. How often do you attend: ____________________________

14. When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________

15. Please fill in the blanks:
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my ____________________________
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my ____________________________
A woman's place is in the ____________________________
The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is ____________________________
When I meet a girl , the one thing I always notice about her first is ____________________________
*Note: If answer to last question begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised*

What do you want to be IF you grow up?

I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of , bodily harm, dismemberment, or
mental abuse.

Signature of applicant _________________________________
Signature of father _____________________________________
Signature of mother ____________________________________
Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________
Signature of State Representative _________________________
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non- . Please allow 4-6 years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you


-From Sabaki Discussion Forum-

first thing i'm out of paper and cann't print this out i am deverstated.

second never get rid of this from the web site, it is one of the funnyest things i have ever read ( but as a father very true) :thumbwink:

third myrsh did you write this :thumbwink:

fourth damn i'm still laughing i'll get paper tomorrow :thumbwink:

fifth this is a great post thank you for the humor, my wife was in tears to, grats on the post and if you have more of the same humor plse post :thumbwink:

I will second that, a terrific post, and im so going to do that to perspective boyfriends,guys u have been warned.
Nigel

Great, if that gets out, it means more work on my part.

Glad if it can make you day. Funny thing though, I didn't intend to look for that article . I was looking for information about Sabaki method in karate (as written at the bottom, it was from sabaki forum).

Although I found it, I couldn't miss this particular article among other sabaki methode's article.

So, in conclusion, no I didn't write it, when the sub-title written 'not mine...' i really meant it, I'm only 23

And I thought my old man was a shocker when I was in my teens! I'm looking at him now in a whole new light! Onya 'daddy'.....