crossposted from the ninja forums.

I'm currently in France visiting me mum for christmas. Here is the synopsis so far.

Part 1: The flight

Theres a very special circle of hell... you know what I'm talking about....the one reserved for child molesters and those who talk in the theatre. I'd like to add to this list those who take children on long distance flights. Children are not meant to fly. People dont find your childs cries of joy/pain/attention seeking anywhere near as interesting as you do.... especially 12 hours into a 22 hour flight.

But anyway...

Part 2: PARIS
20 years ago I travelled Europe and South East Asia extensively. Why is it that now I find it impossible to catch a train?
"But matt...." I hear you say "you are in a country where you dont speak the language nor know the geography.... its only natural you should be disoriented." Nice point, qnd I would be comforted by it if only THE TRAIN STATION WASN'T IN THE AIRPORT! sheesh - I got stoopid.

Part 3: The TGV

The TGV is a bloody amazing train. The TGV to Bordeaux was due to depart at 8:56 am. Bewdy, I had plenty of time. After negotiating several terminals and realising I would never be a serious contender for The Amazing Race I though "great - I'm at the station, time for a toilet stop." Immediqtely aqccosted by stroppy nazi gendarmette at toilet I suddenly remembered that in Europe people have to pay to pooh. forking over my half euro and completing the business I walk out and look at the clock.... Hour hand is on the eight, minute hand near the eleven..... HOLY SHIT MY TRAIN IS ABOUT TO LEAVE! Realising I have no idea where to get it from I race back into toilet and ask gestapo bitch where the TGV leaves from.... she of course has no idea. Yeah... 10 years working in the station and you dont know where the trains are - thanks bitch. Finding a considerate soul I get directions and race down stairs in time to see train leaving. I am shattered. What the hell do I do now? I turn and stare at the clock. slowly it dawns on me... when the little hand is on the eight and the big hand is on the eleven that makes it......... nearly eight o'clock. I still have an hour till my train leaves. Nothing for it but to slink back inside the terminal (very appropriate name) past all the people who saw me running around like an idiot and slink into a chair and read a book.

I hate the French.

As an aside Id like to add the above was written on a Mac installed with the French version, and a French keyboard where the keys are in the wrong place. thats my excuse for the typos and I'm sticking with it.

I found the train and was delighted to see it arrive. Then of course - more problems.

The TGV is about 500 metres long - no joke! This is a seriously massive train. I look at my ticket and realise I dont know french for 'carriage number'. Great. after all the fuss getting here I just decide to get on the damn thing. I notice I have seat 14. I find a set of seats and also realise I dont know french for 'window' and isle'. So which one is my seat? Realisiing a family is looking at me I sit down.

You know those conversations where neither party understands a word the other says, but both know exactly what the other said? Well I had one of those. Needless to say I was about 4 carriages off where I should have been. I slink off to proper carriage. I slink back, pick up my bags, then slink off again..

Turns out I'm in first class! Way to go mum!
Settling in I decide to get a glass of wine to enjoy the journey. Cracking the bottle I feel the aura of lots of eyes on me. Did I leave my fly undone? Is there toilet paper stuck to my shoe? Slowly I realise - its 9:15 in the morning. ack time lag is a bitch. Cooda sworn it was knock off time. Trip passes uneventfully until about an hour in when 7 year old girl a few seats up decided to throw up on herself, stinking the entire cabin out in the process. Next stop family sits at table next to my blissfully solo seat with a - uhhuh - small screaming child.

Now I've probably offended every parent reading this, but you need to know two things: one, this is written for effect, and two: I hate children.

joking you oversensitive bunch.

Day 2. Libourne
The markets put on free scotch for all the shoppers because it was christmas! Cute beautiful French girls everywhere!

I love the French.

Went out for dinner in the local village. Man these people eat late. dinner at 10:30? How to undo years of training in one easy lesson. Had Foie Gras. No I dont want to know what it is.

Find out about travel plans tomorrow as to whether I get to go to England or the US Will let you know who the unlucky country to receive the invasion is.

The next bit: Christmas

Mums house has a pretty cool digital temerature guage- I havent seen the sodding thing get anywhere near the right side of zero since Ive been here. Who builds cities in these bloody freezing places? I have a theory that people find them in summer, settle down, build a city then in winter curse their poor judgement. You guys who are used to this weather are laffin at me arent ya.

On the good side - I came here thinking it would be a great chance to eat properly and moderate my alcohol intake. Now it was probably a pretty misguided thought to assume one could go to the land of rich food and the greatest wine city on earth and expect to live healthy. Meh who cares. Lifes short and you're dead forever. 1975 Chateau Mouton Rothschild, 1947 Port. and could I possibly sound like more of a w*nk*r? (shaddup)

It never ceases to amaze me the inappropriate way tarty women dress in the name of allegedly looking good.

There I was in 4 layers of clothes and still so cold I had to push my testicles down from the back of my throat and these girls were in short skirts and CFM boots. No stockings. Maybe its an acclimatization thing but I still admire their dedication to trying to increase mens heart rate. Warmed me up a bit. Maybe its a community service?

Anyway - the raffle has been drawn, the ballot cast. England - you lose.
I arrive January 5 at 6 pm. Keep a close eye on the news and follow the disaster as it unfolds. Marriages will be ruined. Children will be orphaned. Entire hospitality areas will be laid waste.

There will be blood...... oh yes, there will be blood.

And the lamb opened the seventh seal and for a full 9 days the beast ravaged the land of his forefathers. Their beer stocks decimated, their peoples passed away in exhaustion such was their weak constitution. I am become death - the destroyer of worlds.

Now - which of you blokes is going to come bail me out?

Coming from a 'new' country, where we consider anything more than 80 years old 'historic' it's somewhat humbling to experience things over here. over the road from mums house is a church built about 950 AD. It's an experience to stand there and think about who has walked that earth before you and the events it has seen. We are truly a blink in times eye and should truly make the most of what we have, while we have it. My thanks to you, my online friends, for enriching my life whilst I have it. May 2007 be as an amazing experience for you as I plan on it being for me. Life is not a dress rehearsal.

Happy new year to you all....

Matt

NEW YEARS - 2006/2007

Ever see that film Sixteen Candles? The one with Molly Ringworm?
Remember the character Long Duck Dong? Didnt speak a word of English and was ratarsed at the parties? Last night I was that guy, except for the language differences.
First party started at 9:30. I got quite good at the blank look whilst being spoken at. Only one thing for it - hit the drinks table.
Second party was fancy dress. Gee lucky me they had a cache of costumes. It must have been funny to dress the Aussie up in a dress, wig and massive padded bra because suddenly I was the centre of attention. Yes - I got pictures. You can all have a good laugh in due course.
Much dancing (Im sure just for my added humiliation), champagne, wine (I got in trouble for drinking beer - seems its 'not done'..... frogs, I dunno), then for some amazing reason a Didgeridoo surfaced. it seems that because you are from Australia you automatically inherit certain abilities. You can throw a boomerang, you can surf, and you can play the sodding didgeridoo. Needless to say much hilarity ensued as I did my best fart impressions.
Midnight arrived. much kissing of women and.....eek.... MEN. MEN KISS EACH OTHER HERE! Sure its only on the cheek but that was a culture shock. Went back for seconds with the women just to be sure.... especially the cute Marie Antoinette. Mmmmm..

Got home late and posted something above that tells me I was 1) maudlin and reflective, and 2) Completely shitfaced.

New years 2007 - another mission accomplished

Waiting for pics!!!
*note to self - get Matt some didgeridoo lessons*

Sounds like you are having to much fun over there Matt(Wyles)

Last night I ate Frogs legs.

No, they dont taste like chicken.

Markp you are an evil evil man.
I feel bloody awful today.

Mwuahahaha, I won't even ask!

Welcome to the UK and can I just point that Mark is not representative of the typical Englishman?!

So what are your plans while you are here?

To be fair it was definately a joint effort. It just makes you feel better if you have someone else to blame
Heading up to Headingly tomorrow to accept Mike Flanagans kind invitation to train with his class. Looking forward to it immensely.

Yes, I've done that before and did enjoy it a lot.

I suppose Mark was nice enough to invite you to our Wednesday's class, was he not?

What other stops are on your must-do list? Apart from training I mean.

Maybe Marp just makes it too easy... sorry. I be good and all.

Um, Matt, we haven't seen any pics at all yet, I hope you are getting lots of them! Want some from Tuesday night's training too.

Alas I cannot attend tonights class. Its tough being so popular but I have many more people to visit j/k
Be back next year I reckon - train with you then!
Thanks so much for the invitation and to Mark for a wicked time in the Brum!

In the Brum??? It`s Walsall! If it was Brum you prolly wouldna got out alive!

Footage has just become available of Matt hitting the dancefloor at the Rising Sun. An impressive display, I'm sure you'll agree....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GiraSt0ZzdY...ted&search=

Hey I wasn't THAT good!

gotta admit - for a bit there I panicked you actually did have some footage

Oh no, he emailed the footage out to everyone. The youtube link was just a red herring


Anon

Herring? I think you'll find it was a mullet.